March in Review: Mystery Flight, Crisis in Crimea, Knights, Dames and Ripples in Space-Time

Missing planes, crisis in the Crimea, marching, Knights and Dames and ripples in the fabric of space-time!

First off I will touch on the subject of missing Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 about which, unless you have been in a complete news blackout, you probably already know the details. It has become one of the most consuming mysteries of recent times, inspiring a series of conspiracy theories from terrorist hijacking, government black-ops and aliens. As I type this there is news of significant amounts of debris spotted by satellite so it may yet be a mystery that can be solved.

Australian Maritime Safety Authority Search and Rescue Officers coordinate the search for Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 from the Rescue Coordination Centre in Canberra

What actually happened to the plane remains a mystery. Was it the fault of the pilot who has come under suspicion due to possible political ties and deleted files on his home flight simulator? Was it the two passengers travelling with stolen passports? Was it aliens? Was it a simple technical failure? In a selfish way, I kind of hope we don’t find out. Given some of the theories officials and the media have been throwing out there, or the aspersions being cast over parties on the flight, perhaps, in the end, a little mystery is better than fact.

Crisis in Crimea! I can’t help but read that in a 1940's newsreel voice – it really should be a headline on a spinning newspaper in black and white and superimposed on marching troops. Journalistic nostalgia aside, it turns out that countries prefer not to have sections of their landmass annexed, and on the world stage, when a country as powerful and well-armed as Russia begins throwing its weight around it tends to put people on edge.

Following the deposition of the in no way corrupt Ukraine President Viktor Yanukovych, Russian loyalists began taking advantage of the political unrest, which caused a series of dominoes to fall resulting in further political confusion. Enter Russian troops, causing much of the rest of the world to sit up and say, ‘wait a minute….’ The Crimean Parliament is dissolved and a Pro-Russian Prime Minister installed, seeking assistance from Russia with bringing peace, love and harmony in the area and holding a ‘we love Russia’ referendum, the results of which are that apparently Crimea really is cool with being brought back into the fold of a country run by this man...

Russian President Vladimir Putin [RIA Novosti]

The broader ramifications of the move by Russia are yet to play out, but it has very clearly exposed the risk facing Europe due to its dependence on Russian gas. Interesting then, that the US has looked to expand the export of its own natural gas resources. You know, to lower prices, punish Putin, and set Europe free from its reliance on Russia, oh and let’s not forget about making a quid along the way.

It would be remiss of me to not mention the March in March. The protest of various policies and actions of the Abbott Government was attended by around 100,000 people and took place in major cities across the country. Industrial relations, environmental policy, privatisation of public assets, and the treatment of asylum seekers all contributing to the turn out.

Although extensively covered on the internet, the mainstream media was less inclined to talk about the marches, with comparisons drawn with the significant coverage afforded the protests attended by Tony Abbott as then opposition leader, in front of signs criticising Prime Minister Julia Gillard. I’m sure it’s not bothered our illustrious figurehead, but it was a show of force that shows we are not taking this crap lightly. 

While on the topic of Tony ‘Bloke’s Question’ Abbott, he’s now able to pretend he’s the king by swinging a big sword and dubbing not eminent but pre-eminent Australian’s Knights and Dames. One wonders how far away we are from reverting to all out serfdom. Keep an eye out, as four times a year the Prime Minister can swing his big sword and distract from the real issues, like the economy, education, jobs, and asylum seekers.

Finally, something positive – once upon a time the universe was teeny tiny, then something awesome happened and it expanded exponentially creating the universe we know and love. This is the Big Bang. In the early 20th Century scientists discovered that the universe was expanding leading to the inflation theory. What physicists had been trying to do was work out how to prove it.

Nearly a century of scientific work has led to working out what happened and how the universe came into being. In the 1960s two astronomers observed Cosmic Microwave Background (CMB) Radiation, which has shown a consistent temperature throughout the universe even to the extreme ends.

http://aether.lbl.gov/www/projects/cobe/

Essentially this means that these two points of the universe were once close friends and that their steamy one night stand occurred some 380,000 years after the Big Bang. And, it was at this point that matter started clumping together and light could move about (this is where the universe immediately regretted the mistakes it made and promised it would totally call, but things have been really busy so it might not be for a while).

Anyway the inflation theory is about what happened before the universe started going its separate ways. In the 1990s scientists found evidence of ripples in the CMB spurring more interest in the inflation theory. These ripples were fluctuating in space-time but were thought to be the hallmark of the universe losing its shit and ejaculating crazy physics all over the place. The theory figured that these ripples would leave a distinct signature and the scientific community started looking for that evidence.

This month we found that signature, which means scientists can now look more confidently beyond the 380,000 mark, and start working out what happened and cause the universe to come into being. It also means that science is totally gonna get laid (or, maybe not).

-Paul Briske

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January in Review: Politics, Bieber and Doctors Who

I’m sure you all had some New Year’s resolutions – lose weight, drink less, write that novel you’ve been working on for years… I get the feeling that when the Prime Minister, drunk with power on 31 December thought about his resolutions it went something along the lines of ‘I’ve shown the Australian public that I am incapable of any kind of political and economic leadership, now 2014 will be the year I show it to the world!’ Bless him, he has. And it’s only January.
 

Unfortunately for the attendees of The World Economic Forum held in Davos (not Davros, though keep Doctor Who in mind, I’ll get to that later), its original keynote speaker – a horse that could count – was forced to pull out at the last minute. After a long night of calling pretty well everyone on the planet in search of a replacement, organisers realised that the only man available was our Prime Minister, the right Honourable Tony ‘Reverse Robin Hood’ Abbott. That’s my theory anyway.
 

So our most prime of ministers packed up his speech, which was predominantly composed of recycled nonsensical slogans, and flew to Davos. Upon arriving and most likely spending some tax dollars on the minibar, Abbott was ushered on stage. Seems they must still have had the facilities to clean up the counting horse’s poop because Abbott was about to talk a lot of excrement.
 

There is an unspoken rule in global politics – leave the domestic stuff at home – which is something Abbott has previously forgotten, or was not reminded of by his minders. That, and he seems to think the world actually gives a toss about what is going on in little ol’ far away from everything, oh look at you over there, Australia. Here is a hint Tony, even the Australian public didn’t care enough about what was going on here, which is actually how you are where you are. You’ll show them.
 

Remember how I mentioned Doctor Who? Well, here is my analogy of Abbott’s talk. Imagine if Matt Smith went to a Star Trek convention and started talking about how much better he is than David Tennant. Nobody would understand what he was saying or why he was there, and anyone with a vague idea of what he was talking about would know he was lying or judge him as being bitter, twisted and not particularly up on diplomacy.

Moving from one annoying pain in the rear and onto another, Justin Bieber was arrested for a DUI in Florida this month. Yep little Biebz is all growed up and has a big boy car and spoilt brat attitude. Seriously, who didn’t see this coming? The ratty performer, famous for the song Baby (baby, baby, ooooooh – earworm!), was pulled over in a rented Lamborghini intended for drag racing on a public street and arrested for being under the influence. The arresting officer noted that the kid smelled of alcohol and was not fit to control a vehicle. It’s been revealed that Bieber blew a 0.014 when tested but according to police he has admitted to having smoked some weed and taking prescription drugs.
What we have learnt from this little event is that the boy needs to go to rehab, or my personal preference, prison. Think of all the life lessons he could learn in the joint!
 

This episode has confirmed to me a long held suspicion, Beliebers are essentially the most vacuous people on the planet, although they’re only marginally edging out Directioners at the moment. Rallying to defend their peach-fuzzed infallible prince, these empty-headed tweens flocked to their short-hand communication tool of choice – Twitter – to make sure he knew it was okay to drink, drive high performance cars in an unruly manner and then resist arrest.
 

Bieber will be sending Valentine’s Day being arraigned by a Florida court – I’m hoping for a stern verdict delivered with chocolates and a dozen red roses.
 

Just to assure you that it’s not all doom and gloom only one month into 2014, we did get to see something very special. Keeping up with my Doctor Who fixation, we recently got a glimpse of the Doctor’s new clothes! It’s not usual for me to be excited about fashion, but I am really looking forward to Peter Capaldi taking over as the Timelord, and part of that excitement is his costume!
 

I feel like Joan Rivers should be involved in every new Doctor’s choice of outfit, asking them who they’re wearing while shouting at them on a red (or TARDIS blue) carpet somewhere. I fully expect the bottom to fall out of the fez industry, but they’ve had a good run. Instead I anticipate a peak in the sale of Doc Martens.
 

Well those are my highlights of January for you. Here’s looking forward to what February brings and hopefully there’ll be no mention of Tony Abbott, unless it’s to note that he was detained on re-entry and shipped off to Manus Island. Ah, a man can dream…

-Paul Briske

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A Gentleman Geek's Guide to Wedding Planning

Before you get all excited, this isn’t going to be the type of wedding that has the bride and groom dressed in super hero costumes. No lightsaber arches, no Vulcan hand gestures, and definitely no ‘so say we all’ (unless the best man decides the crowd is ready for it). 

Nope. My wedding is going to be recognisably a wedding, between two human people. But maybe, just maybe there’s room for a little geekery.

http://dc.wikia.com/wiki/Green_Arrow_and_Black_Canary_Wedding_Special_Vol_1_1

My future wife, Elizabeth and I have prepared our wedding in the knowledge that the majority of our respective family members are confused by capes and glowing swords, so instead we’ve opted for a relatively Loki (see what I did there?) affair.

You see, my lovely lady wife to be isn’t what you would call a geek. When we stated going out the only thing that could put her into that category at all was a love of Stargate. Make that all of Stargate! SG:1. Atlantis. All of it!

With that in mind, Elizabeth’s vision of her wedding day has always been free of comic book and science fiction influence. But that's where I come in.

When we started seeing each other I had already been engaged. A long and convoluted story of people being young and stupid, that engagement lasted three years and never went anywhere, finally ending quite badly. I accept the blame there. What this meant, though, was that when I did meet Elizabeth, the prospect of marriage was furthest from my mind.

The big change came when I realised this person, Elizabeth, was by far the only one I could possibly want to spend my life with. Now, marriage is not for everyone, but if one of you wants this and it’s important to them, well sometimes you just have to put their happiness before your own, and very loud, opinion.

So I proposed. And she said yes.

The condition, as it were, was that the wedding be a reflection of us both, not just a celebration of love and all that, but an expression of who we are as individuals as much as who we are as a couple.

And with that I got to add my little comic book touches!

The invitation to the engagement party was a mini-comic, the save-the-date was in the style of the Green Arrow, Black Canary Wedding Special, the invites featured Elizabeth and I wearing little bits of Superman and Wonder Woman costumes, and the Order of Ceremony booklet is an homage to the Green Arrow, Black Canary cover.

Elizabeth and Paul

My groomsmen and I will wear comic book cufflinks – Green Arrow, Green Lantern, John Constantine and Lex Luthor.

The flower girl will have a little Batman pin, although, importantly, she has offered to wear her full Batman costume should we change our minds at the last minute.

As for the flowers; the bouquets are made from paper, with a few flowers made out of comic book pages – don’t worry, none were first editions, or of even slight worth. And the table decoration; the vases will be filled with large paper flowers and lined with more comic pages. The place cards will be speech bubbles and thought balloons.

Collectively, these are things that together we decided would allow my personality to be reflected in our big day, without taking away from Elizabeth’s idea of her wedding day.

But it hasn’t all been easy. On some details I’ve had to ask Elizabeth to let me make my own decisions, and allow me to get to them in my own way. My suit, for example.

Originally Elizabeth wasn’t going to join me at the suit fitting. I knew what I wanted – a three piece grey suit with a green tie. Elizabeth came. I walked out with a two piece charcoal suit and a blue tie. The justification? It’s an outdoor wedding in summer, so the vest would be too hot, charcoal was more slimming, and the blue would match the bridesmaids. While these are all perfectly reasonable points that I would have eventually come to in my own good time I felt as though I was getting steamrolled before I had the chance to even think about it!

One thing that we did agree on at the outset was making a special point in the ceremony about our views on marriage. By law the celebrant has to say that ‘marriage is between a man and a woman’, which is total bullshit. While it is required, we’ve added out own little disclaimer, which works nicely but isn’t as vocal as I originally wanted. That said, telling the Liberals to go fuck themselves in the middle of my wedding ceremony probably isn’t altogether appropriate. In fact, my political views have already seen some relatives choose to boycott the day.

While some may say weddings are the bride’s special day and that the blokes should keep out of it, I think that by adding my own personal touches this has become one of the most memorable parts of our relationship.

I know that come 7 December, I will be a very happy man, surrounded by the people I love and the comics that I hold so dear.

-Paul Briske

http://dc.wikia.com/wiki/Green_Arrow_and_Black_Canary_Wedding_Special_Vol_1_1

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Not So Marvel(ous): Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Brand new 64 inch 3D television...check. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D....check. Disappointment...check and double check!

Joss Whedon’s most recent attempt to see a television series survive beyond a handful of episodes is also the latest to come from the Marvel franchise. With the success of his blockbuster Avengers film, he seems to have been given the freedom to do whatever he wants – forever! And who could blame Marvel? The Avengers was well rad!

Sadly though, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. misses the mark on many levels.

A pilot episode is supposed to give you a taste of what’s to come and it needs to be punchy to suck you in. A good pilot is one that introduces you to the context you’ll need later in the series, but does so without the audience being aware that they’re effectively being taken on a guided tour.

Unfortunately, this is not that pilot. I don’t know if Whedon banked on it being green-lit anyway because hell it’s Marvel, but that is no excuse. The story is dull and passes slowly while archetypical characters are ham-fistedly thrown into the fray. The dialogue, which is usually Whedon’s strength, is unnatural, while the casting made me feel as though I was watching S Club 7 solve mysteries.

Has this been any other show’s pilot it would never have been green-lit. Well, maybe on SyFy.

The cast is young, Hollywood, and flat. I understand that Marvel only casts the very attractive for its heroes – they are a collection of rich philanthropists, übermenschen and gods – so it’s understandable that they’d cast men carved from marble, but applying the same approach to the rest of the humble bureaucracy seems a little excessive and fantastic. What I’m saying is that I couldn’t get a job at S.H.I.E.L.D., but I could have gotten a job on the Battlestar Galactica – that place was filled with normal looking people! S.H.I.E.L.D. is a large organisation that has access to some of the most brilliant minds in the world, with near unlimited resources, so you’d think there would be at least one Doc Cottle, Galen Tyrol, or hell, even a Gaius Baltar running around somewhere in an out of focus establishing shot!

The characters, thus far, are cookie cutter stereotypes that seem to be dusty off-the-shelf Whedonverse efforts transplanted into the Marvel universe, which could very well be fine but for the fact that the wit and banter we’ve come to expect from Whedonesque dialogue is just not there. Instead it feels, at best, phoned in. In particular, the kinship between the UK import tech team members is laboured and corny with them contributing nothing but accents and technobabble while looking both attractive and nerdy in non-threatening ways. And I can only hope that the team leader, who has a troubled but relatively stock standard past, will eventually be given a greater role than just ‘driving the bus’. And of course, there’s the quirky hacker who, for some reason, is not arrested for treason, and whose main talents appear to be being ‘bubbly and goofy’ but ‘also warm, edgy and witty’. Because, of course.

The action man field agent is quite possibly the most passable character, but only because he could be any secret agent from any applicable television show ever made. But the worst part, and it pains me to say it, is Agent Coulson. Clark Gregg is not a leading man and given Coulson's origin is as a supporting character, he has no sense of authority. You can’t have a character with a coy smile making jokes and then attempting to yell at someone. I love the film Coulson because he adds a sense of humanity and bewilderment in the superhero world, but here, without the support of the fantasy he is wasted.

Now, as this is my opinion on the pilot some have taken the time to remind me that all of Whedon’s pilots are like this and that I need to reserve my judgement. Honestly though, if he hasn’t gotten the hang of writing decent pilots by now, maybe he needs to reassess the process. Firefly was solid because it planted you right in the middle of a universe with no option but to accept the circumstances within which you found yourself. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is not Firefly, and it even had the benefit of a head start!

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. - 7.30pm Wednesdays on Seven.

-Paul Briske

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Don't Mention the Election

First let me be clear, I don’t vote based on who I voted for last time. I believe political parties change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. When it comes down to who has my vote I look for real change, not just change to the name of the person running things. Real change.

For me, this year, it was marriage equity that tipped the scale. As a man who has found the woman of his dreams through an almost When Harry Met Sally series of fortunate events and will marry in December, I really wanted to see that basic human right extended to any two people who love each other. Not only love each other, but feel loved by their country and its representatives.

Of course there are other considerations: fast internet, investment in infrastructure, and the treatment of refugees or as our new Prime Minister calls them - ‘boat people’. Everyone has to weight these up when they decide how to vote. But here’s the thing, your vote is not just about you. It’s about what’s best for the country and its people. All of its people.

You could say that I expected everyone to vote like me, but it’s not true, I expected them to vote for what was right. As a result of the election I got angry. And when I mentioned on Facebook that I was shocked to find that a relative had voted for the Liberals, they started coming out of the woodwork. My cousin attacked me for calling my relatives idiots, saying that I had no real world experience, and that I didn’t run a business so how could I possibly know what it’s like, out there, in the real world? As a freelance artist and self-publisher, how could I possibly know?

My aunt popped up and demanded that I apologise to my hard working relatives, who never received handouts and work bloody hard for everything they have. I did. I said I was sorry they voted against marriage equality, infrastructure investment and a sensible approach to the economy.

In that moment I remembered a saying my father used to apply to my aunt: she could fall head first into a bucket of shit and come out with a gold nugget between her teeth. A colourful image, but very apt. I am not saying that they haven’t worked hard as I know they have and do, but their success has had a great deal to do with being in the right place at the right time. The part about never taking handouts is ridiculous. We all have healthcare, paid parental leave, assistance one way or another. I am sure they have at some point taken some form of benefit. But apparently, according to my aunt, anyone who ever took money from the government is a crook; how very Gina of her.

The one I fail to understand is my own sister, who voted Liberal because Labor was rumoured to be decommissioning the Air Force base where her partner is employed, which would force them to move again. The problem I have with this logic is that, regardless of location, for as long as he wants to work for the RAAF he has a job. So is it about the cost of moving? With moves of Defence Force personnel paid for by tax payers, no, that can’t be it. In fact, she doesn’t even have to do the packing. I just don’t get it.

So, while I was utterly disappointed with Australia over the weekend, I was even moreso with my family. It very quickly became apparently to me that their thinking was misinformed, selfishly motivated and a vote for change for its own sake, the latter of which to me is like eating horse shit because you don’t like chicken. Extreme, to say the least.

You crossed the line first, sir. You squeezed them; you hammered them to the point of desperation. And in their desperation, they turned to a man they didn’t fully understand. Thank you Michael Caine’s Alfred Pennyworth in The Dark Knight.

The icing on the social media outrage cake though, did not come from family but an old school friend’s mum. Paraphrased below, I think succinctly conveyed the essence of what was wrong with the Australian economy under the Labor Government. See my tongue firmly in my cheek, hers not so much.

I have a property in Spain and although unemployment is high there, my place overlooking the Mediterranean Sea costs me much less in rates and electricity than here, and the place in Spain is worth two thirds of mine here, yet my electricity here is three times the price and there’s only me…two people rent my place in Spain and my rates cost me the same for a quarter as what I pay for a month here and I’ve got a much better view in Spain.

My cousin in England just bought a 2006 Jaguar at the equivalent of $26,000, that same car here is $95,000 due to luxury tax. It only costs approximately $5,000 in shipping costs, so who gets the rest, Rudd wasn’t giving it to the gays towards their marriage.

An Angus steak costs less in the UK and Spain than here, half as much. Then, I obtain cigarettes in Gibraltar (tax free) for $20 per carton, what do they cost here? Not that I smoke, but many do and they can if they wish, but the Labor government changed the law in September last year, we can only bring in two packets now, rather than two cartons. I’ve taken a third pay cut to obtain work and I don’t complain, instead I vote for what is good for this country and if Labor had got in, my dogs and I were going to get out. Might still do if the poor Libs can’t get this debt ridden country out of the shit quick enough. Australia the lucky country my arse!

My heart weeps.

-Paul Briske

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